That's just grrrreat!

More bad news for golf superstar Tiger Woods. The PGA has now fined his caddy $5,000 for not replacing the divot in the back of his Caddy.

Win One for the Flipper

86-year old Tennessee Titans owner Bud Adams was fined $250,000 by the NFL for making an obscene gesture toward the Buffalo Bills bench in last Sunday's game. Adams later apologized, but said "those kids could have avoided the situation if they just got off my lawn like I asked them to."

Don't Worry if the Ratings Go into a Death Spiral...

The grand marshal of this year's Tournament of Roses Parade has been announced, and it's Captain Chesley "Sully" Sullenberger. Any gig from here on in that involves the word "float," he's pretty much top choice.

What color was the judge's robe?

The justice of the peace from Louisiana who refused to grant a license to an inter-racial couple has resigned. Controversial judge Keith Cardwell then landed a job at a local cafeteria, but he was immediately suspended for pulling all the Oreos apart.

The Seeing Double Guy

Tennis star Andre Agassi admits in his new autobiography that he used crystal meth in the mid-90's. Agassi said his habit got so bad that at one point he hallucinated that his ex-wife Brooke Shields "starred in some insipid sitcom called 'Suddenly Susan,' and it was a big hit."

Shiny Crazy People

The father of "Balloon Boy" Falcon Heene says he does not want his son to be known as "Balloon Boy" any more. Amateur storm-and-media chaser Richard Heene claims he wants to put all that notoriety behind his innocent 6-year old son, who he's now asking everyone to refer to simply as "Vomit Dreamkiller Boy."

Oval Office O-fer

Another sign of President Barack Obama's waning popularity came this week. An unnamed source within the Baseball Writers of America leaked the news that Obama will only finish third in the voting for the American League MVP, behind Minnesota catcher Joe Mauer and Detroit first baseman Miguel Cabrera.

"Of course we're disappointed," said White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs. "Joe Mauer is a fine player, but my grandma could put up big numbers in the HomerDome, and who was selected to throw the first pitch at the All-Star Game this year?"

Starting Lines, But No Tan Lines

Chicago's bid to host the 2016 Olympic Games was unsuccessful, despite the presence of President Obama. The IOC chose Rio de Janeiro instead, and most observers credit the South American city's slogan: "Faster, Higher, Thong-er."

Forget It Jake

So Woody Allen called Roman Polanski up and asked if he wanted him to be a character witness in court.

And Polanski said "Too soon yi."

Rudy or Just Plain Rude?

A catering worker at Notre Dame was accidentally given a $29,000 gratuity on her paycheck instead of $29, and now she won't give the money back to the school. However, the lawyer for the Fighting Irish says he plans to "win one for the tipper."

Obscenity Now

Shocking news last night, as rapper Kanye West stormed onto the stage at MTV’s Video Music Awards during Taylor Swift’s acceptance speech to praise a Beyonce video. Yes, truly shocking that MTV still has a music video awards show.

West then barged into a private residence and interrupted a bris in progress, saying the baby boy had “a fine foreskin, but all-time, you’ve got to bow down to Sammy Davis Jr.’s.”


Tennis star Serena Williams had an on-court meltdown in the semi-finals of the U.S. Open, telling a line judge, “I feel like shoving this f*cking ball down your throat.” For her outburst, Serena was assessed a point penalty, fined $10,000 and will have to change her name to Obscena Williams.


An 11-year old boy in Huntsville, Alabama faked his own kidnapping to avoid taking home a bad report card. Man, these kids today just don’t think things through. Instead of a fake kidnapping, one real act of arson could have guaranteed there was no “home” to take the report card to.

Malibu Bad Banker Barbie

A Wells Fargo employee was discovered to be living in a luxurious Malibu beach house her bank had seized in foreclosure. She even threw huge parties on the property. Bank officials said they were outraged by the employee’s actions, and would ‘probably take some rent money out of her bonus, or at least make her pick up all the empties.’

A gang member in Texas was arrested after a botched home-invasion robbery. The bad guy was chased out of the house by the owner-- an 87-year old woman with a can of Raid. The criminal is going to jail, while Texas Governor Rick Perry has deployed the old lady to guard the border.

The Iraqi journalist who infamously threw his shoes at President Bush will be released from jail on Monday, and is getting a hero’s welcome. Offers of marriage are pouring in, his TV station bought him a posh Baghdad condo, and he’s getting a lifetime supply of loafers from “Mahmoud’s Death to the Infidels Fine Footwear Outlet Store.”

The Grrrrreat Escape!

A tiger that escaped from a Las Vegas magic act was successfully recovered by its owners, the Fernando Brothers. The giant jungle cat was tracked down outside a plastic surgeon's office, where it admitted it was planning to pursue its lifelong dream of becoming a Cher impersonator.

Downward Facing Spiral

NFL commissioner Roger Goodell has cleared former Atlanta quarterback Michael Vick, freshly released from a 19-month stretch in prison on a dogfighting conviction, to return to professional football. However, before that happens, President Obama wants to have a beer with Vick and the ghost of a strangled pit bull.

Anyone up for 'Total Recall'?

With his state facing a $26 billion deficit, California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger is taking heat for posting a video in which he brandishes a 2-foot knife and jokes about budget "cuts." Critics say they haven't seen this much gubernatorial insensitivity since Minnesota's Jesse Ventura put an assisted suicide advocate in a sleeper hold.

Habeas Compact

The Mary Kay cosmetics line is suing Yahoo for trademark infringement. At first blush, it seems like they have a good case.

Zoom Zoom

A brothel in Berlin has begun giving discounts to johns (or "johannes") who arrive via bicycle or public transportation. This policy gives a whole new meaning to the term eco-friendly... The slogan at the German whorehouse is, "Reduce your carbon footprint, receive a carbon handj*b."

One Step Beyond

An Elkenhart, Indiana man was arrested for public indecency after a police officer found him naked in a cemetery. The accused maintained that he was innocent, and simply auditioning for the new reality TV show, "GhostHumpers."

Welcome to Topical Storm X

A shopkeeper in Long Island made headlines when he pulled a gun on a would-be robber, and then gave the guy $40 and a loaf of bread before letting him go. Man, this economic stimulus package is really getting out of hand… President Obama immediately named the store owner as his new “Czar of Burglar Bail-outs.”


The French Open Final was interrupted when a man ran onto the court and sprinted toward Roger Federer. The police knew the man wasn’t French, because he was running toward the action, not away from it.


State troopers in Ohio are fighting a rule which allows constantly overweight officers to be fired. The troopers say they plan to fight the unfair regulation “for a good 30 seconds or until we get winded, whichever comes first.”


A rescue team spent three hours rappelling down a cliff in Connecticut to recover what they thought was a human body. It turned out to be a mannequin. So it’s a happy ending, right? Not really. Turns out the mannequin had been laid off at the local mall, and just didn’t see any point in going on anymore…


A Chinese company announced they are buying the Hummer brand from GM. That makes sense, because the Hummer is kind of like Chinese food. Think about it. Fifteen minutes after you fill it up with gas, you need more.


Police in Syracuse, New York arrested a man for buying a bag of crack cocaine with $10 and a slaughtered pig. Apparently it’s part of the drug dealer’s new “Ham Hocks for Crack Rocks” program... Maybe the best part of this story is, while police were booking the dealer and the customer, somebody made off with the pig. It’s true. There were lots of witnesses, but apparently nobody’s going to squeal.