Ocho Cinco 86's his Own Name!

For the whole story, read my new book, "How Chad Got His Johnson Back."

Ladies Love Cool HAL

This February on JEOPARDY, an IBM supercomputer named Watson will compete against two of the game show's former champions, Ken Jennings and Brad Rutter. Experts aren't sure who will win the game, but they say the computer has a 73 percent better chance of picking up girls in the green room.

A Sign of Hope in the NFL

Definitely a sign of progress in the NFL. A Collie was down on the field in Philadelphia, and Michael Vick had nothing to do with it.

Sports Jokes for Norm MacDonald's Show

According to recent poll data from The Q Scores company-- Kobe Bryant and LeBron James are equally disliked by American sports fans. Geez LeBron, I don’t know how you managed to do it, but it looks like you’ve squandered your ‘rape cushion.’

So to recap-- in the past year, Reggie Bush has given up Kim Kardashian AND the Heisman Trophy. What’s next on the list, Reggie? Oxygen?... Man, if he was Catholic, and all that went down in April, Reggie would be having the Best Lent Ever.

It was extremely difficult for Bush to give up the Heisman. Not just emotionally, but physically. For security reasons, he’s been keeping the trophy inside former teammate LenDale White…

Shock waves are running through the once-proud USC program. When reached for comment, former Trojan Orenthal James Simpson said, “I am gravely disappointed. In fact, make that double-gravely.”




It looks like the Cincinnati Reds will reach the post-season for the first time since 1995, back when the late Marge Schott owned the team. Of course, Marge was the first victim of baseball’s “Three Reichs and You’re Out Rule.”


The New York Jets are making headlines for the alleged sexual harassment of sports reporter Ines Sainz, a former Miss Spain. The Jets claim they are simply transitioning from their HBO show, “Hard Knocks,” to their new Cinemax series… “Hard C*cks.”

Actually, what happened was, the sexy reporter was there to interview their quarterback, so Jets players simply asked her if she wanted to talk to him before or after he took a shower. And of course, the best way to do that is by saying, “Hey mamacita, you wanna Dirty Sanchez?”

Good news sports fans-- it’s WNBA Finals time! Or as I like to call it, “September Sadness.” Some truly magical moments happening out there on the court. Magical, more in the ‘David Blaine-shivering-in-the-fetal position-in-a-glass-cube’ sense, but magical nonetheless…

Of course we all love the Finals, but for me, the high point of the WNBA season is at the All-Star Break, when they have the Awkward Layup Contest.

Kristin Cavallari, from the MTV show “The Hills,” is now dating Chicago Bears quarterback Jay Cutler. Cutler said he is “thrilled” with the new relationship, while Cavallari says she is “psyched for Season Two, when I dump Jay and take a hot tub with Urlacher and Lovie Smith.” …In a related story, Snooki is pretty sure she recently gave Bubby Brister a handjob under the boardwalk.

The Minnesota Timberwolves took out a full-page newspaper ad recently that said “Are we going to win the NBA Finals this year? Not likely.” That is shocking. How can the Timberwolves afford a full-page newspaper ad?

Terror Babies!! The Ultimate Sleeper Cell

Texas state representative Debbie Riddle told a national CNN audience "her office" has been informed by "former FBI folks" that terrorists are bringing pregnant women to the United States for the express purpose of making them U.S. citizens. Theoretically, the kids would be raised as terrorists abroad, and have easy access to our homeland once their fontanellas had hardened up a bit.

If you thought the "terrible twos" were bad, wait till you get a load of the "fatwa fours"!

Future headline in Good Terrorist Parenting magazine: "Take the Quiz: Colicky or Kamikaze?"

NOTE: Beloved actress Holland Taylor is not Debbie Riddle, but she should get a crack at playing her in the HBO movie on crackpot politicians.

These Kids Today

So Woody Allen asked Roman Polanski if he wanted him to serve as a character witness. And Polanski said, "Thanks, but too soon-yi."

From One Big Ben to Another...

THE BAD NEWS for Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger: He was suspended for 6 games by the NFL for his conduct in an alleged sexual encounter in a bar.

The GOOD NEWS for Big Ben: The suspension may be shortened if he demonstrates acceptable behavior.
The EVEN BETTER NEWS: The person reviewing his case will be the Pope.

"Hey, Pontiff, big whoop, so I like to do a little 'Flashdancing.' It's Pittsburgh, baby, am I right? How's about a little 'Immaculate Protection' over here?"

Pope Benedict, seen here at the Rome sports bar T.G.I.Good Friday's, celebrating Santonio Holmes' miraculous TD catch in Super Bowl XLIII.