Welcome to Topical Storm X

A shopkeeper in Long Island made headlines when he pulled a gun on a would-be robber, and then gave the guy $40 and a loaf of bread before letting him go. Man, this economic stimulus package is really getting out of hand… President Obama immediately named the store owner as his new “Czar of Burglar Bail-outs.”


The French Open Final was interrupted when a man ran onto the court and sprinted toward Roger Federer. The police knew the man wasn’t French, because he was running toward the action, not away from it.


State troopers in Ohio are fighting a rule which allows constantly overweight officers to be fired. The troopers say they plan to fight the unfair regulation “for a good 30 seconds or until we get winded, whichever comes first.”


A rescue team spent three hours rappelling down a cliff in Connecticut to recover what they thought was a human body. It turned out to be a mannequin. So it’s a happy ending, right? Not really. Turns out the mannequin had been laid off at the local mall, and just didn’t see any point in going on anymore…


A Chinese company announced they are buying the Hummer brand from GM. That makes sense, because the Hummer is kind of like Chinese food. Think about it. Fifteen minutes after you fill it up with gas, you need more.


Police in Syracuse, New York arrested a man for buying a bag of crack cocaine with $10 and a slaughtered pig. Apparently it’s part of the drug dealer’s new “Ham Hocks for Crack Rocks” program... Maybe the best part of this story is, while police were booking the dealer and the customer, somebody made off with the pig. It’s true. There were lots of witnesses, but apparently nobody’s going to squeal.