Pounding the old protons

Jubilation in Geneva today, as scientists working on the Hadron Supercollider successfully ran the "Big Bang" machine, colliding protons with three times more force than ever before, and producing 7 trillion electron volts of energy.

Rival scientists, however, are claiming that the Hadron team has equipped their collider with "performance enhancing lugs."

Five Things Tiger Woods Probably Shouldn't Say

After a highly public revelation of multiple mistresses, Tiger Woods has announced he'll return to golf at this year's Masters. Since he'll probably have to do without a teleprompter, here is a quick list of things he should avoid saying...

5. "I'd like everyone to meet my new caddie, Paris Hilton."

4. "I'm just looking forward to lining up my putts again."

3. "You know what they say-- you drive for show, you putt for $3 billion in alimony."

2. "Can you believe the nerve of that Phil Mickelson, trying to cheat with those Ping wedges?"

1. "A lot of sponsors have left me, but I'd love to give a shout-out to my new corporate partner, Doyle's Ball Washers."