The Grrrrreat Escape!

A tiger that escaped from a Las Vegas magic act was successfully recovered by its owners, the Fernando Brothers. The giant jungle cat was tracked down outside a plastic surgeon's office, where it admitted it was planning to pursue its lifelong dream of becoming a Cher impersonator.

Downward Facing Spiral

NFL commissioner Roger Goodell has cleared former Atlanta quarterback Michael Vick, freshly released from a 19-month stretch in prison on a dogfighting conviction, to return to professional football. However, before that happens, President Obama wants to have a beer with Vick and the ghost of a strangled pit bull.

Anyone up for 'Total Recall'?

With his state facing a $26 billion deficit, California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger is taking heat for posting a video in which he brandishes a 2-foot knife and jokes about budget "cuts." Critics say they haven't seen this much gubernatorial insensitivity since Minnesota's Jesse Ventura put an assisted suicide advocate in a sleeper hold.

Habeas Compact

The Mary Kay cosmetics line is suing Yahoo for trademark infringement. At first blush, it seems like they have a good case.

Zoom Zoom

A brothel in Berlin has begun giving discounts to johns (or "johannes") who arrive via bicycle or public transportation. This policy gives a whole new meaning to the term eco-friendly... The slogan at the German whorehouse is, "Reduce your carbon footprint, receive a carbon handj*b."

One Step Beyond

An Elkenhart, Indiana man was arrested for public indecency after a police officer found him naked in a cemetery. The accused maintained that he was innocent, and simply auditioning for the new reality TV show, "GhostHumpers."

Welcome to Topical Storm X

A shopkeeper in Long Island made headlines when he pulled a gun on a would-be robber, and then gave the guy $40 and a loaf of bread before letting him go. Man, this economic stimulus package is really getting out of hand… President Obama immediately named the store owner as his new “Czar of Burglar Bail-outs.”


The French Open Final was interrupted when a man ran onto the court and sprinted toward Roger Federer. The police knew the man wasn’t French, because he was running toward the action, not away from it.


State troopers in Ohio are fighting a rule which allows constantly overweight officers to be fired. The troopers say they plan to fight the unfair regulation “for a good 30 seconds or until we get winded, whichever comes first.”


A rescue team spent three hours rappelling down a cliff in Connecticut to recover what they thought was a human body. It turned out to be a mannequin. So it’s a happy ending, right? Not really. Turns out the mannequin had been laid off at the local mall, and just didn’t see any point in going on anymore…


A Chinese company announced they are buying the Hummer brand from GM. That makes sense, because the Hummer is kind of like Chinese food. Think about it. Fifteen minutes after you fill it up with gas, you need more.


Police in Syracuse, New York arrested a man for buying a bag of crack cocaine with $10 and a slaughtered pig. Apparently it’s part of the drug dealer’s new “Ham Hocks for Crack Rocks” program... Maybe the best part of this story is, while police were booking the dealer and the customer, somebody made off with the pig. It’s true. There were lots of witnesses, but apparently nobody’s going to squeal.