The Seeing Double Guy

Tennis star Andre Agassi admits in his new autobiography that he used crystal meth in the mid-90's. Agassi said his habit got so bad that at one point he hallucinated that his ex-wife Brooke Shields "starred in some insipid sitcom called 'Suddenly Susan,' and it was a big hit."

Shiny Crazy People

The father of "Balloon Boy" Falcon Heene says he does not want his son to be known as "Balloon Boy" any more. Amateur storm-and-media chaser Richard Heene claims he wants to put all that notoriety behind his innocent 6-year old son, who he's now asking everyone to refer to simply as "Vomit Dreamkiller Boy."

Oval Office O-fer

Another sign of President Barack Obama's waning popularity came this week. An unnamed source within the Baseball Writers of America leaked the news that Obama will only finish third in the voting for the American League MVP, behind Minnesota catcher Joe Mauer and Detroit first baseman Miguel Cabrera.

"Of course we're disappointed," said White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs. "Joe Mauer is a fine player, but my grandma could put up big numbers in the HomerDome, and who was selected to throw the first pitch at the All-Star Game this year?"

Starting Lines, But No Tan Lines

Chicago's bid to host the 2016 Olympic Games was unsuccessful, despite the presence of President Obama. The IOC chose Rio de Janeiro instead, and most observers credit the South American city's slogan: "Faster, Higher, Thong-er."

Forget It Jake

So Woody Allen called Roman Polanski up and asked if he wanted him to be a character witness in court.

And Polanski said "Too soon yi."