Ladies Love Cool HAL

This February on JEOPARDY, an IBM supercomputer named Watson will compete against two of the game show's former champions, Ken Jennings and Brad Rutter. Experts aren't sure who will win the game, but they say the computer has a 73 percent better chance of picking up girls in the green room.

A Sign of Hope in the NFL

Definitely a sign of progress in the NFL. A Collie was down on the field in Philadelphia, and Michael Vick had nothing to do with it.

Sports Jokes for Norm MacDonald's Show

According to recent poll data from The Q Scores company-- Kobe Bryant and LeBron James are equally disliked by American sports fans. Geez LeBron, I don’t know how you managed to do it, but it looks like you’ve squandered your ‘rape cushion.’

So to recap-- in the past year, Reggie Bush has given up Kim Kardashian AND the Heisman Trophy. What’s next on the list, Reggie? Oxygen?... Man, if he was Catholic, and all that went down in April, Reggie would be having the Best Lent Ever.

It was extremely difficult for Bush to give up the Heisman. Not just emotionally, but physically. For security reasons, he’s been keeping the trophy inside former teammate LenDale White…

Shock waves are running through the once-proud USC program. When reached for comment, former Trojan Orenthal James Simpson said, “I am gravely disappointed. In fact, make that double-gravely.”




It looks like the Cincinnati Reds will reach the post-season for the first time since 1995, back when the late Marge Schott owned the team. Of course, Marge was the first victim of baseball’s “Three Reichs and You’re Out Rule.”


The New York Jets are making headlines for the alleged sexual harassment of sports reporter Ines Sainz, a former Miss Spain. The Jets claim they are simply transitioning from their HBO show, “Hard Knocks,” to their new Cinemax series… “Hard C*cks.”

Actually, what happened was, the sexy reporter was there to interview their quarterback, so Jets players simply asked her if she wanted to talk to him before or after he took a shower. And of course, the best way to do that is by saying, “Hey mamacita, you wanna Dirty Sanchez?”

Good news sports fans-- it’s WNBA Finals time! Or as I like to call it, “September Sadness.” Some truly magical moments happening out there on the court. Magical, more in the ‘David Blaine-shivering-in-the-fetal position-in-a-glass-cube’ sense, but magical nonetheless…

Of course we all love the Finals, but for me, the high point of the WNBA season is at the All-Star Break, when they have the Awkward Layup Contest.

Kristin Cavallari, from the MTV show “The Hills,” is now dating Chicago Bears quarterback Jay Cutler. Cutler said he is “thrilled” with the new relationship, while Cavallari says she is “psyched for Season Two, when I dump Jay and take a hot tub with Urlacher and Lovie Smith.” …In a related story, Snooki is pretty sure she recently gave Bubby Brister a handjob under the boardwalk.

The Minnesota Timberwolves took out a full-page newspaper ad recently that said “Are we going to win the NBA Finals this year? Not likely.” That is shocking. How can the Timberwolves afford a full-page newspaper ad?

Terror Babies!! The Ultimate Sleeper Cell

Texas state representative Debbie Riddle told a national CNN audience "her office" has been informed by "former FBI folks" that terrorists are bringing pregnant women to the United States for the express purpose of making them U.S. citizens. Theoretically, the kids would be raised as terrorists abroad, and have easy access to our homeland once their fontanellas had hardened up a bit.

If you thought the "terrible twos" were bad, wait till you get a load of the "fatwa fours"!

Future headline in Good Terrorist Parenting magazine: "Take the Quiz: Colicky or Kamikaze?"

NOTE: Beloved actress Holland Taylor is not Debbie Riddle, but she should get a crack at playing her in the HBO movie on crackpot politicians.

These Kids Today

So Woody Allen asked Roman Polanski if he wanted him to serve as a character witness. And Polanski said, "Thanks, but too soon-yi."

From One Big Ben to Another...

THE BAD NEWS for Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger: He was suspended for 6 games by the NFL for his conduct in an alleged sexual encounter in a bar.

The GOOD NEWS for Big Ben: The suspension may be shortened if he demonstrates acceptable behavior.
The EVEN BETTER NEWS: The person reviewing his case will be the Pope.

"Hey, Pontiff, big whoop, so I like to do a little 'Flashdancing.' It's Pittsburgh, baby, am I right? How's about a little 'Immaculate Protection' over here?"

Pope Benedict, seen here at the Rome sports bar T.G.I.Good Friday's, celebrating Santonio Holmes' miraculous TD catch in Super Bowl XLIII.

Ash Ash Baby

So air traffic will finally resume over Europe, now that the massive outpouring of ash from the Icelandic volcano has subsided. This was the biggest aviation impact Iceland has had since 1999, when a flock of Bjork's dresses flew into the engines of three planes at the Reykjavik Air Show.



Damn, couldn't find the swan picture. But you get the point.

"Aren't all slopes slippery?" Uh.... nopery.

So i stumbled upon another writer's website, where she was apparently irked by the phrase "slippery slope." "Aren't all slopes, by definition, slippery?" she "wittily" asked.

ANSWER: No. They're not. They have an incline. And that's pretty much the extent of the definition. You could have a slope comprised of 80-grit sandpaper, coated with superglue and flypaper.

When the Triangle Offense Meets Beaker Defense...

Seriously, loves us some Steve Novak, but downright Beaker-esque, no?



And when you're done checking out the eerie similarities between the sharpshooting scrub and Dr. Bunsen Honeydew's top lab assistant-- scroll back up to the top photo for a second for more hard evidence of athletes-turned-criminals. (Shannen Brown is clearly smuggling illegal turtles from town to town inside his left calf. Either that, or stuffed baked potatoes from Wendy's. Holy Maria full of smack, that thing is like a cankle that migrated north for the summer.)

Grounded From Beyond the Grave...

Double Bummer for Butler

Not only did the feisty Butler Bulldogs lose the NCAA college basketball championship game to Duke, but Coach Brad Stevens will NOT earn his merit badges in net-cutting and banner-raising.


His parents did promise to take him to Foster's Freeze on the way home, however, despite it being waaaay past his bedtime.

Pounding the old protons

Jubilation in Geneva today, as scientists working on the Hadron Supercollider successfully ran the "Big Bang" machine, colliding protons with three times more force than ever before, and producing 7 trillion electron volts of energy.

Rival scientists, however, are claiming that the Hadron team has equipped their collider with "performance enhancing lugs."

Five Things Tiger Woods Probably Shouldn't Say

After a highly public revelation of multiple mistresses, Tiger Woods has announced he'll return to golf at this year's Masters. Since he'll probably have to do without a teleprompter, here is a quick list of things he should avoid saying...

5. "I'd like everyone to meet my new caddie, Paris Hilton."

4. "I'm just looking forward to lining up my putts again."

3. "You know what they say-- you drive for show, you putt for $3 billion in alimony."

2. "Can you believe the nerve of that Phil Mickelson, trying to cheat with those Ping wedges?"

1. "A lot of sponsors have left me, but I'd love to give a shout-out to my new corporate partner, Doyle's Ball Washers."

Tongue & (Krush) Groove

A teenager in Cheektowaga, New York has been arrested for doing over $3,000 worth of damage to a hardwood floor by wearing a diamond belt buckle while breakdancing at a house party. The police are holding the youth in pop'n lock-up.

There goes the neighborhood

An Ohio man bulldozed his $350,000 home to prevent the bank from foreclosing on it. He would have leveled his garage too, but the repo man took the bulldozer back when the man wasn't looking.

Ocho Quacko

The state of California is recommending that Michael Kamrava, the doctor of so-called "Octomom" Nadya Suleiman, should have his license revoked. The state's Attorney General filed papers accusing Kamrava of "gross negligence" and for failing to order a mental evaluation of Suleiman. They also thought his "Buy seven embryos, get one free!" promotion was a little tacky.

If the suit is successful, California may even go one step further, with Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger hoping to offset budget problems by raffling off the octuplets.