Shiny Crazy People

The father of "Balloon Boy" Falcon Heene says he does not want his son to be known as "Balloon Boy" any more. Amateur storm-and-media chaser Richard Heene claims he wants to put all that notoriety behind his innocent 6-year old son, who he's now asking everyone to refer to simply as "Vomit Dreamkiller Boy."

Oval Office O-fer

Another sign of President Barack Obama's waning popularity came this week. An unnamed source within the Baseball Writers of America leaked the news that Obama will only finish third in the voting for the American League MVP, behind Minnesota catcher Joe Mauer and Detroit first baseman Miguel Cabrera.

"Of course we're disappointed," said White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs. "Joe Mauer is a fine player, but my grandma could put up big numbers in the HomerDome, and who was selected to throw the first pitch at the All-Star Game this year?"

Starting Lines, But No Tan Lines

Chicago's bid to host the 2016 Olympic Games was unsuccessful, despite the presence of President Obama. The IOC chose Rio de Janeiro instead, and most observers credit the South American city's slogan: "Faster, Higher, Thong-er."

Forget It Jake

So Woody Allen called Roman Polanski up and asked if he wanted him to be a character witness in court.

And Polanski said "Too soon yi."

Rudy or Just Plain Rude?

A catering worker at Notre Dame was accidentally given a $29,000 gratuity on her paycheck instead of $29, and now she won't give the money back to the school. However, the lawyer for the Fighting Irish says he plans to "win one for the tipper."

Obscenity Now

Shocking news last night, as rapper Kanye West stormed onto the stage at MTV’s Video Music Awards during Taylor Swift’s acceptance speech to praise a Beyonce video. Yes, truly shocking that MTV still has a music video awards show.

West then barged into a private residence and interrupted a bris in progress, saying the baby boy had “a fine foreskin, but all-time, you’ve got to bow down to Sammy Davis Jr.’s.”


Tennis star Serena Williams had an on-court meltdown in the semi-finals of the U.S. Open, telling a line judge, “I feel like shoving this f*cking ball down your throat.” For her outburst, Serena was assessed a point penalty, fined $10,000 and will have to change her name to Obscena Williams.


An 11-year old boy in Huntsville, Alabama faked his own kidnapping to avoid taking home a bad report card. Man, these kids today just don’t think things through. Instead of a fake kidnapping, one real act of arson could have guaranteed there was no “home” to take the report card to.

Malibu Bad Banker Barbie

A Wells Fargo employee was discovered to be living in a luxurious Malibu beach house her bank had seized in foreclosure. She even threw huge parties on the property. Bank officials said they were outraged by the employee’s actions, and would ‘probably take some rent money out of her bonus, or at least make her pick up all the empties.’

A gang member in Texas was arrested after a botched home-invasion robbery. The bad guy was chased out of the house by the owner-- an 87-year old woman with a can of Raid. The criminal is going to jail, while Texas Governor Rick Perry has deployed the old lady to guard the border.

The Iraqi journalist who infamously threw his shoes at President Bush will be released from jail on Monday, and is getting a hero’s welcome. Offers of marriage are pouring in, his TV station bought him a posh Baghdad condo, and he’s getting a lifetime supply of loafers from “Mahmoud’s Death to the Infidels Fine Footwear Outlet Store.”